The little things…

There is something in realizing that you are in this on your own – alone. In realizing that no matter how hard you try, it really is just you. Because I have been working away, giving it my all and its not working. You tell yourself (the whole world tells us our whole lives) that if you just keep going, keep fighting the good fight, everything will work out. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end. Today that doesn’t feel realistic.

There is something in having your hard stuff served up to you by your kids. Your teenage kids who seem to fkn know everything, experts in all the world will ever throw at them. The kids that you cant seem to please, no matter how hard you work.

Today it would be easy to give up – but I am trying hard to find the happiness in the little things. Sometimes they are really little, but they are just as worthy.

Still trying,

Synn xx

Forward momentum…

Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!

Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!

In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!

Sniffling…

Synn xx

The struggle is real!

Far out, this parenting gig is hard sometimes. Last night was a complete clusterf*ck of epic proportions. Ended with 2 kids in tears and this hot mess Mama sitting on the bathroom floor puking. My kids are struggling, after almost 2 years of their dad and I being separated, they are still struggling.

I’m not sure if its the same in all relationships but my kids are the most important people in my life and right now – nothing I can say or do is enough for them. They don’t want to have anything to do with their father’s girlfriend. They absolutely cant stand her, and the bit that scares me is that they are making real sense. It would be easier if they were just being shit heads who were pitching a fit because they don’t like something (like brussel sprouts) but they aren’t. They are desperate to know why there seems to be a different set of rules for them than there is for dad’s girlfriend. And I tried to explain that there had to be a different set of rules, they are his children and she is his girlfriend. But when she is behaving like an immature brat and is closer to their age than his… well its difficult to fucking explain.

My son is indifferent to her, and my daughter – well, she’s jealous. And she delivered up some pretty harsh fucking truths to me. She called bullshit on the girlfriends behaviour and kicked my arse for trying to justify what happens. Kicked my arse for making excuses for him letting her down. But what the hell am I supposed to say to her?

I don’t know what else to do, or how to make this all okay for them. So for last night, I held them and cuddled them til they stopped crying, then tucked them into their beds just like I have done every night since he left. And then I went and had a big horrible cry until I threw up, and sat on that bathroom floor and gave thanks that I get that privilege. That I am the one that gets to tuck them in every night and that we have the sort of relationship where they can tell me all of that gut-wrenching shit, even when its horrible and we all end up sobbing and snotty nosed.

And this morning, I woke them up early and rushed them through breakfast and skipped chores so that we could escape together and go on an adventure.

We jumped in the car and headed down south, not really certain on where we were going, singing stupid songs at the top of our lungs. We ended up at a lake that I had always wanted to go to, that we had always talked about going to as a family. So we did. I think it has finally sunk in, that the family unit has morphed a little now. That if I still want all those things I had better find a way to be brave enough to do them, sometimes with my kidlets, sometimes on my own. The elements of this life might not fit the mould of what I thought they would be like, but there is a way to make it all work still. I’m just gonna have to be a little brave…

Scared shitless,

Synn xx

Origin…

So I am in a bit of a rut at the moment and trying really hard to not retreat into myself entirely. Lots of questions and retrospection happening here. Wondering how the hell I got here. If you keep reading, I warn you, this post is probably going to include some colourful language.

I am caught up at the moment. ‘Wound up around the axels’ is what my ex used to say when I got like this. Anxiety has been something I have been dealing with for what feels like forever, though now I can see that it was there before I even knew what it was. Its been a shit of a week – well the last year hasn’t been wonderful – but this last week has been a doozy.

Settlement for my new house happens soon and there has been lots on my mind and paperwork to deal with and deadlines and more paperwork. And then last week I had a minor car accident. All me, one of those stupid moments that just came out of nowhere. And now I am waiting to hear about the damages and the financial worry is there too. Though honestly, I’ll admit, I have been more concerned with letting the people around me down. I have only had my driver’s license for about 7 months, meaning that according to Australian road rules I am still a probationary driver. I was 32 when I got my driver’s license. When my ex left it was a necessary to get it figured out. It was never that I didn’t want it, or couldn’t be bothered – I used to have seizures so while my friends were going for their licenses I was trialling new medications and having MRI scans etc. Simple fact was, I had to get the seizures under control before I could get a driver’s license. It had been a few years without a seizure when my ex left, but having been his carer and him being home full-time, I just never needed it, if that makes any sense. In all of the craziness that goes with the Auto Immune Disorder diagnosis, my doctors now believe that there is a good chance that the seizures were all linked in there somewhere. And that it probably all relates back to the way I was born, with the cord wrapped around my neck, via emergency caesarean, so blue that the doctor thought I was already dead.

Anyway, I have been wondering about a lot lately. A good friend I have made in the blogging world wrote a post a little while back that has really hit me deep. Her post is here, and if you get a chance, check out her blog, she’s a very talented lady https://afternoonifiedlady.wordpress.com/2016/07/17/optimism-counts-period/ In her post, she posed the question ‘Would your six-year-old self even recognize you now?’ and this post has been rolling around in my head, getting into all the little nooks and crannies ever since I read it. For me, the answer is a big loud shouting screaming tantrum NO NO NO NO NO! Probably complete with kicking and hair pulling and breath holding if you could actually see it. My 6 year old self would look at the adult I have become and shake her head and sigh sadly. I used to be brave. I used to be strong. I used to put myself out there and be proud of it. Shit, I once sang with a talent company and performed in front of 10,000 people while shakin my booty like I didn’t have a care in the world.

Where the hell did that girl go? When did I become this needy, anxiety ridden creature full of self doubt and fear? When did I stop taking chances and jumping at opportunities when they were offered? I am fkn stumped honestly! One thing I am certain of is that I have something in common with 6 year old me – I spend a lot of time shaking my head and sighing sadly at who I have become.

This shit stops now! I am not naïve enough to believe that this is all going to stop immediately, don’t get me wrong, but I am going to start trying to figure out who the hell I am and what the hell I am doing with this life. And if along the way I think there are bits of me I don’t like, I am going to make adjustments until I do like me. Whatever it is that I am doing right now, isn’t working. I am going to try to find a way to be… okay.

Thank you to the lovely readers who have left positive comments and been so supportive lately. This little blog of mine is the only place in my life I am not censoring myself right now – its good to have somewhere that feels kinda safe.

Striving,

Synn xx

Ergh…

I am having one of those weeks. But instead of getting all caught up in it I am trying so very hard to keep this all in check.

My anxiety is at an all time high. That old familiar feeling of egg beaters whirring away inside my stomach, that constant lump in my throat, that prickly threat of tears just waiting to fall… and worse than that, the constant deafening thud of my heart beating inside my ears and temperature fluctuations that make me wonder if early onset menopause is not so far away…

I am trying to be positive and stay motivated, trying to use all that nervous energy to do something useful and worthwhile. Even in the midst of an anxiety episode I can see the lack of value in the emotions and energy exuded but I cant stop, cant make it go away. Well I could, perhaps with pharmaceutical assistance but even that option seems to fill me with guilt.

Every day I try to be good and do good and that is what I am sticking with. I feel like absolute shit at the moment, but that is the anxiety. And the anxiety will pass, or subside, or dissipate in time. I know that. And knowing that is what keeps me moving forward.

Stumbling…

Synn xx

 

False – Daily Prompt

Sometimes, after a life-changing event, it’s difficult to remember who you were before the event. I know everyone has those events that mark their soul so deeply, that being the same person afterwards is impossible.

As a 30something who has spent 20 years in love with the same man, in a relationship with him for almost 14 years, when it all ended I didn’t even know who I was. And I made some crazy big changes pretty quickly. Because I felt that if I didn’t move forward, I would completely spiral backwards into oblivion. So I moved forward in whatever way I could think of. I did everything I could to keep myself busy to ensure that the emptiness I was feeling inside couldn’t settle in and get comfortable.

I was incredibly false with the people around me, removed myself from situations that would require me to be real or vulnerable, and now almost a year down the track I still have moments that I am not really sure who I am. I think the person I was most false with was myself.

These days, I am not only trying to be as real and authentic as I can, but I am learning who I am every day. My relationships with lots of people have changed and that is largely due to me having been false with them when I couldn’t be vulnerable. But I also think its down to the fact that in learning who I am now, I can sometimes come across as false to the people who know me. I think there are people in my life who are not receptive to the changes I am trying to make and perhaps they think that I am being dishonest with myself.

I have made changes in my life that are so far removed from who I was in that relationship, that there are days that I question whether I am being real. I know that at the moment the best thing I can do for me (and for the people who rely on me) is make the best choices I can make with the information I have at the time. And if that comes across as fake or false, that’s not my problem. I actually think I kinda like this version of me.

Simply

Synn xx

False – Daily Prompt